I'm not even sure where to start this. Not sure that I even want to write it. Am I being dramatic and overly emotional? Is it so late that I'm delirious and will regret writing some of these things tomorrow? No. Will I make tons of grammatical errors? Yes. But I don't care. I'm going to write this and hopefully not look back on it. Not even proof read it. I'm going to write it, click publish, and be done. Feedback is welcomed, if you choose.
Where do I start? I've had a really rough year. I'm not one to put my business out into the world, because I truly believe that you will attract that which you think. I don't like thinking about these things, however, they need to be said and be done with. Out of my life. GOODBYE.
First let me say I want to clear my name, and anything I may have ever done to offend someone. It was probably intentional at the time, and I am sorry. I haven't always acted as a good person. I've always had a good heart, but haven't always shown it. Yes, there is a specific person I am thinking about while writing this. I've truly felt such a hatred towards her for the past 3-4 years. We did our fair share of ugly things to one another, and I'm sorry. That isn't who I ever wanted to be. I don't want anyone's first middle or last impression of me to be an ugly one. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am sorry. I'm not sure if she knows of my blog, but if she does I hope she reads this and truly feels that my apology is sincere. I've been holding onto this "grudge" for such a long time, and it honestly haunts me. No not like a ghost around the corner, but I have daily thoughts about things as well as dreams that just have me feeling so terrible. Like I said I've always had a good heart, but I'm different from the person I WAS. I'm proud of who I am today. I'm an amazing wife, a great mother and just a good person in general. This is me.
Now let me apologize, due to the fact that it IS after 2am, I am going to be ALL over the place with my thoughts, but that's just because I feel that I have a lot to say, and I'm not sure what order to say it in.
My next "thought" is on parents having an argument in front of their children. No not like a physical fight, but an argument. I grew up in a home where I was 100% sure that my dad absolutely adored my mom. I know he wasn't a "buy flowers for a lady" type, but it made her feel special, so he did it. My brother, I know, is a great husband to his wife (who I love!) due to how he was raised. Our parents raised us to show respect, be kind, loving, etc. Now, the one thing I don't ever remember hearing or seeing, was my parents fight (argue). I remember my parents separating for a week when I was maybe 6? I remember that day perfectly. My brother and I came home from school on the bus, my dad met us at the door. I remember he had on a short sleeved button up and there was a tiny piece of tissue on his face with a spot of blood. He had been shaving and cut himself. I could feel something wasn't right. He said him and my mom wanted to talk with us. They let us know they were separating and he would be going to live with my grandmother for a bit. My dad was my best friend, so I remember being so sad. It kind of came out of no where though, because like I previously said, I never heard my parents argue. Now fast forward to now. Not specifically today, but just me as a married adult. I have a serious problem with comparing myself, or my husband, or our marriage to anyone/anything else. I want and deserve the marriage my parents had, and when I don't have that, I feel so discouraged. I feel that things are crumbling. It makes me feel like our marriage isn't strong, because we argue at times. When I sit down and really think things through, I know I am being a little crazy and I realize of course people argue. Even my parents, though never in front of me. As much as I don't want my kids to ever hear us argue, I would rather that than have them grow up a confused disaster like me. I want my kids to see that it's OK to argue and eventually come to a mutual agreement or conclusion. No marriage is perfect. Not one. I don't want them to search for perfection one day. I want them to search for that person who will love them unconditionally and do absolutely anything to make them happy. I sure as hell will be raising my kids in the best way that I can. I will raise them to respect, to be honest. As they get older I'll teach them the difference between right and wrong, but let them know that they have the free agency to choose. They will know that consequences come with wrong action, but more importantly that praise comes from good choices.
I want to be a stronger person and not doubt myself so often. I want to stand up for myself more than I do. I know Ive said it before, but I NEED to stop comparing myself to others. And I mean that in all aspects whether it be my physical image, myself as a wife, myself as a mother, as a daughter, friend, member of the church, whatever. I'm a good person. A good person, with a good heart, and I sure do try my hardest on a daily basis. That's me talking from a "pretending to be confident" point of view. Let me just say, sometimes I don't get the support or appreciation I need. Marriage is fricken hard. I know it's hard for different people on different levels. No marriage is the same, but let me be the first to say I'm struggling! I'm struggling to feel like I am doing a good enough job sometimes. I am not saying saia doesn't appreciate me, because I know he does. I'm also not saying he doesn't support me, because I know he does. What im saying is that it's not always in the way that I personally am needing it. And as much as I try to get that across it sometimes doesn't work! That's when I struggle. I feel that I am constantly being compared, and it's so hard. It makes me feel like crap to be honest. I know I beat myself up way more than I should. I know a lot of the things I think are just my own thoughts which are beating me down, but I just wish there was a simple way to fix this issue. A stranger or friend telling me "you're a great mom" feels good, but it's not coming from the one I need it to come from. I want sincere love, honesty and appreciation. I want to be accepted as I am, but encouraged to be better. I want to feel WHOLE again. I have this deep dark hole in my heart sometimes and it feels miserable. A smile can truly hide so much. I know for certain that not one person out there could have predicted that I'm feeling all of this. I don't let things out often, and when I do it's almost too late. Too late to fix things or to feel better. I slide my feelings under the rug way too often, and that leaves me feeling beat down. I'm so hard on myself and I need to somehow change that.
It's almost 3am now, and I'm just a mess. Tears and boogers everywhere! I'm grateful for this blog though. I'm grateful for a place to vent and get things off my chest. I don't want to come across as someone who is ungrateful, because I'm not. I am very grateful for saia that provides for our family, and very grateful for my kids who drive me crazy but remind me what it's all about. It's about love and happiness! Having kids was the greatest decision. I'm able to contribute 3 happy loving positive kids to society, to hopefully make the world a little brighter. I truly hope my heart and head can start feeling a little better. I hope to be a better person tomorrow than I was today, and I hope to get all the wonderful things that life has to offer. I deserve them.